Aprils are always a hard month for me just because it is the month that my grandmother left us.
It's hard going through life the same way without that someone who you've known for so long.
It's been 6 years now but I never really gotten used to it honestly.
I remember all the little/big things she used to do for me.
Picking me up from school,
making me PJs(saving them for my future kids),
cooking my favourite foods,
laughing together watching HK dramas,
late night conversations before bed,
calling me out when I was acting like a spoilt ass bitch.
These are the moments that shaped me into the person I am today, which I wish she could see.
I wish that I appreciated her more, or at least been vocal about it.
I wish I spoiled her more, because she deserved it.
I wish that she didn't have to go through so much pain in her life.
I wish that she is still alive.
It hurts knowing I will never got to see her expression of the day when I left for America, or the future milestones like graduation, engagement, marriage, etc.
It's a constant spiral of sadness not being able to share these special moments with her.
Bit by bit, memories of her will escape me,
like how she sounds when she laughs,
how she yells at me when I am being disrespectful,
how she would curse playing mahjong.
I try so hard to prevent it but it is inevitable.
I realized that I've never truly known my grandma,
there's so much about her past that we never discussed about,
and now it is lost forever.
I will never know what made her into this incredibly selfless person that
I will adore and miss for the rest of my life.
I will adore and miss for the rest of my life.
